Thursday, January 27, 2011

No Germs, No Fleas

Thursday night and my mom calls.  It’s a bit strange for her to call at that time; usually she calls on the weekends.  Then again, the pot of water on the stove was about to boil over; the toast just popped out of the toaster (yes, when I’m out of dinner bread I serve my family toast…don’t be a hater); and the timer for the chicken just went off, so really, it’s no surprise at all that it’s her.

What is surprising though is how excited, and relieved, she sounds to hear me. 

“Jane?! Oh, I’m so surprised to hear your voice.”

”Really, mom, why?”

”I keep wondering if your safety is at stake.”

(Oh no, this does not bode well.)  I’m fine, mom.”

“You don’t go answering the door to just anybody do you?”

 (Guess I better not tell her about answering the door to the Girl Scouts last weekend!) 

“No, mom.”

“That sounds like a pretty wimpy ‘no’ Jane.  Oh, all I’ve done is given birth to a couple of wimps.  You really have nothing to defend yourself, Jane.  If you had a big hulk living with you then I wouldn’t worry so much about the goblins getting you when you answer the door.”

(Uh, oh.  This is going from bad to worse, so I try my hand at a very strong, very non-wimpy voice).  NO, mom!  I DON’T answer the door to strangers.  I’m fine.”

“It’s just that you’re not that big.  I'm also worried that someone is going to be envious of your deep beauty.”

(Oh, for crying out loud!  And do what, exactly?  I’m fairly certain that no one is, in fact,  jealous of my ‘deep beauty’ and even if there were a couple of people out there who were, I’m pretty sure it’s a jealousy that they could live with without wanting to do me any harm.  Oh, brother.  This is too much, even for me.)

“You’ve kept yourself so hygienically spotless over the years, Jane…no germs, no fleas, and I just worry that you can’t defend yourself.”

(No germs? No fleas?  I try not to laugh out loud as I think of ways to try and end this call.  Oh, yeah, dinner.  I start to make a bunch of loud cooking noises.  Thankfully, she gets the hint.)

“Okay, Jane, I’ll let you go now.  But don’t worry, I’ll call you every night…but I don’t know if it will be or .”

(Great! I guarantee you my phone will ring tomorrow night at precisely one of those times.)

I hang up the phone and I have an ah-ha moment (and if my husband reads this entry I’m betting that he will have the same ah-ha moment). No wonder I’m such a freak about locking doors and feeling safe.  My husband constantly gives me a hard time about keeping our house "locked up like Fort Knox" but I just can’t help myself.  It all makes perfect sense now. 

Funny how these nonsensical conversations with my mom end up being so enlightening. 


  1. Wait! I thought you DID live with a big hulk!!! Anyhow, I am getting you a flea collar! lol

  2. No, my friend, I live with a HUNK, not a hulk, and make sure the collar is pink with extra bling!