Sunday, February 26, 2012

Taxes, I Didn't Hear Nothin' 'Bout No Taxes

About nine-hunerd-leven times a day (that's First Grade speak for, like, a lot) some kid busts out with something random.  (One of my little sweetie pies has now started prefacing her random tangents with, "I know this doesn't have anything to do with anything we are talking about right now, but…." Love her!)  Anyway…

The other day we're in the middle of something - don't ask me what - we're always in the middle of something, now aren't we?  So we're in the middle of something and a kid raises his hand and says, "I'm going to my papa's house tonight at 6:00."  (If there's one thing I've learned from teaching it's that, to get to the funny, you have to ask the oh, so important, "Why?"  And so I did:

"How come you're going to your papa's house today at 6:00?" 

"Well," he said, "That's because my mom and dad have to go pay their taxes."  

Ah, I thought to myself, an appointment with their accountant, lucky them.  

"How fun for you," I said, "to get to spend some time with your grandpa."  

"Yeah," he said, "I'm gonna be there for 10 hours!"

"Wow!" I replied.  "Ten hours.  That's a long time.  How come you're going to be there for 10 hours."

"Well," he said, "that's because my mom and dad have to pay a LOT of taxes."

I try hard not to LOL, and he continues, "Yeah, my mom hasn't been paying her taxes, so now they have, like, two taxes to pay."

At this point I've heard all I want to hear as I picture myself in a courtroom being grilled by a judge, "Mrs. So-and-So, on the afternoon of February 23, 2012, did little Johnny here tell you his mom hadn't been paying her taxes?"

"Er, um," I would reply, "Paying her taxes? Um, no, I think he said, 'Snack-ses,' not 'taxes.' You see, First Graders often have trouble with word endings, so I'm sure he said his mom hadn't been 'packing his snack-ses' and NOT 'not paying her taxes.' No, I'm certain I didn't hear nothin' 'bout no taxes not being paid, no sirree, I'm positive he said 'snack-ses', I'm sure of it in fact."

The judge would look down at me from behind his spectacles and give me a look that would let me know he clearly knows I'm full of it. I would then raise my hand and say, "Tomorrow's my cousin's birthday!"  He would roll his eyes, pound his gavel, and declare, "Case dismissed!" 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Now That Was Unexpected

So here's something you don't ever expect to come out of the mouth of a 6-year old boy…

We were walking back from the post office today, on what was a bright, sunny day, and one of my little darling boys looks at me and says, "Teacher, I'm hot.  I'm wearing black underwear and I'm really, really hot."

Er, um, well…am I on Candid Camera…again?!

(And while we're on the subject of clothes and, well, heat...the other day we were walking to the computer lab and another one of my darling little boys tugs at his very fancy sweater vest and says, "I'm hot. My mom doesn't care about me being hot...she just cares about me looking nice.")

One of the best things about working with kids, folks?  They truly have no idea just how funny they are.  

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Criss Cross

So I've got this kid in my class and he's pretty much "That Kid."  Luckily for him, I actually have two "That Kids" in my class this year.  (I secretly call them Frick and Frack because together they are hilarious.)  Frustrating?  You betcha'.  Inappropriate?  For sure.  But very, very funny nonetheless.

You know, they're the kids (and I'll just come right out and say they're boys), but they're the kids who, when walking up to the lunch line, decide that that's a good time to compare each other boobies!  Seriously, they had the necks of their shirts stretched down practically to their waists and they were discussing their bobbies…in the lunch line…for all the world to see…and hear.  Oye vay!

The first kid I mentioned, let's call him Frick, is probably the more "That kid" of the two.  If there's any mischief going on, you better believe he's the one that started it.  He'll probably grow up to be his generation's Jim Carrey, but for now he's quite the handful.  Cute kid, and totally lovable, but my, oh my, is that kid ever a challenge!

Lucky for me, though, every now and then the "teacher gods" shine down upon us and we extract our little teacher revenge without even lifting a finger.  Like the other day…we were outside with our jump ropes having a grand old time.  We always start in a circle, do a few jumps/exercises together, and then I let the kids have some free time to jump while I work with some kids who, bless their hearts, can't seem to turn the rope even one time without getting themselves all tangled up in it.  

So the kids are doing their "free jumping" time and a lot of the girls are doing "criss cross."  If you haven't been on a school yard in a while, maybe since you were actually in school yourself, "criss cross" is when you cross the rope in front of you and jump over it.  It's a fun trick to master and I have quite a few kids who are already quite adept at criss cross. 

My little friend calls me over and says, "Look, I can do criss cross."  He then proceeds to cross his FEET.  He then takes a huge jump and lands, you guessed it, flat on his bum!  (As painful as it might sound, he was not, in fact, one bit hurt.  I would not be writing about it if he were hurt.  Seeing a kid in pain, even the kid who makes you the most looney, is not one bit funny.  But I swear that kid is made of rubber….you should see the stunts he walks away from with nothing more than dust on his hands.)  But the shocked look on his face…priceless!  

I looked up toward the heavens, smiled at my teacher god, helped my friend up, and proceeded to show him how to do a real criss cross.