SPANX

So my 25^th high school reunion was last weekend and preparing for it caused all kinds of angst and drama.  Well, not in any real, serious kind of way, more like in a joking, “Oh, my gawd I’m not old enough to be 25 years out of high school” kind of way.  Joking around about it and having fun with it is the only way I know how to cope with the fact that Oh my gawd I’m 25 years out of high school!

In trying to keep things light and fluffy, which is pretty much what I try to do with everything that causes me anxiety, I put the following status update on my facebook page:

Shopping for something to wear to my 25-year high school reunion.  Let’s see, something that will make me look 10 years younger and 10 pounds lighter.  Hmm, perhaps I should be shopping for a plastic surgeon instead!

I received all kinds of funny comments, the funniest of which was a single-word response:  SPANX.  Now, I’m not a Spanx wearer, not that I don’t need to be, but I’m just not.

So I’m at the mall with my daughter and I’m trying on different dresses and I find one that is actually pretty forgiving and, equally important, quite comfortable…not to mention not too dressy nor too casual for this highly anticipated (and somewhat dreaded) event.  

My friend’s Spanx comment, and the subsequent ones related to her Spanx comment (which were quite funny, I might add) got me to thinking, well, er, um, maybe I ought to give this whole Spanx thing a try.  I mean, I looked okay in the dress, but I was thinking it couldn’t hurt to at least give the Spanx a try, you know, to smooth things out a bit and such.

I ask the saleslady about Spanx and she gives me quite the Spanx 101 lesson.  Truly, I did not know there were so many varieties of Spanx (and Spanx knockoffs) out there.  She talks me into a certain variety and off I go to the dressing room to try it on.

Have you ever tried Spanx on?  Well, it ain’t easy, let me tell you.  It’s basically like putting on a wetsuit…only harder…much, much harder!  So I wriggle and I writhe, and I wriggle and writhe some more, and my daughter helps me wriggle and writhe some more, and I’ve almost got it on and I do one final pull and I feel a hole…in the, er, um, crotch region. 

“Oh my gawd,” I say to my daughter. “I’ve pulled so hard I put a whole in the Spanx!”  Only guess what?  I didn’t put the hole in the Spanx…it comes with a hole…for the love of gawd it comes with a pee hole!  “Ewww,” we squeal in unison, and I get that thing off as fast as I can, which ain’t fast at all folks, because what’s harder than getting a wetsuit on?  You got it…getting it off!

The whole pee hole thing really freaked me out and I decided against the whole Spanx thing.  Luckily, too, because the one I tried on was $78!  My dress was less than that! 

So we leave the mall and go on our merry way, dress in hand, Spanx most definitely not, and we head for home. 

The reunion gets closer and I start to think about the Spanx again.  You know, how I would feel so much more confident if I walked into the reunion looking the best I possibly could, you know, with all my parts firmly in place like they used to be, not 25 years ago, forget about that, but, say, even 5 years ago.

Back to the mall I go.  The Spanx I had tried on earlier was the kind that went from below your bra to about mid thigh.  Since I was wearing a dress, I wanted to try on the kind made for, well, wearing a dress.  Basically, it’s a flippin’ wrestling singlet!  I manage to get it on, again not easily, and am happy with the way it holds everything together, so I decide to go for it.  It’s not as expensive as the one I tried on before, and really, my dress wasn’t all that much so I’m able to justify the extra expense…we gals can justify anything related to shopping, can’t we?

I get it home and try it on under my dress and am quite happy with the way things look. 

And then the reunion gets closer…and I start to panic a bit, like What if I have to go to the bathroom really bad and can’t get it off? It has one of those pee holes but that seriously grosses me out I mean I just spent time on a river rafting trip having to squat and pee in a bucket and there was this one time I didn’t quite squat exactly right and I peed a little on myself but it was no big deal because I was right by the river and I could just rinse off but what if I was at my reunion and I tried to use the pee hole and I peed bigger than the pee hole and I peed on the Spanx and on myself well then I’m not by the river and I can’t just rinse it off and I’m freaked out about the pee hole but the only other choice would be to lift my dress up to my shoulders and then pull the singlet Spanx shoulder straps down but where’s my dress going to be like around my shoulders and what if it falls in the toilet or like what am I supposed to do  just take the whole dress off and then try the whole get out of the singlet thing and I’m picturing all this happening in a teeny tiny stall with people I haven’t seen in 25 years waiting to use the bathroom also and oh my gawd there is no way I am wearing that singlet Spanx thing!

But…I really wanted to look my best, so…back to the mall I go.  I return the frightening singlet/straight jacket Spanx thingy, purchase something similar to the original Spanx I had tried on in the first place, and call it done!

The reunion went well…I did not get trapped in my Spanx, and I had a grand ole’ time.  I have to say though, in looking at the pictures from that night, I did not look one bit more pulled together than I would have looked if I weren’t wearing Spanx.  In fact, there are a couple of shots that if you didn’t know better you’d think, Hmm, that dress sure would look better on her if she had some Spanx on! 

Oh, I try so hard people…I try so very hard!