Thursday, September 1, 2011

And The Eyes Have It...

So the other day I accidentally only wore one contact.  I know what you’re thinking, How does a person accidentally only wear one contact?  I mean, you only have two contacts in the first place, right?  So, that’s like, what, a 50% accuracy rate on doing something as simple as putting in contacts?  I mean, how pathetic, right?

Unfortunately, stuff like this happens to me all the time.  Like the time I went to put my keys in my running shorts only to discover I had my shorts on backwards.  Or the day, just this week, when I felt something was a little off all day long and it wasn’t until I got home and changed that I discovered my skirt was on sideways.  Oh, yes folks, wearing one contact on accident is right up my alley.

In my meager defense, let me just say that when I went to put in my contacts that morning I noticed my left contact was torn so I went to replace it.  I evidently became so distracted by the two extra steps it took to replace the contact that I completely forgot to put my other contact in.

So I go about my day and I’m noticing that, well I’ll be, I’m actually seeing better than I have in a long time.  I mean, I can, like, totally see distance and close up.  I can see things going on far away and I can read the words on my iPhone.  Normally, I can wear my contacts and see far away and wear reading glasses for close up, or I can go without the contacts and read close up but wear glasses for distance viewing…but never both at the same time…until now.  Oh my gosh, a miracle has occurred! 

As my day progresses and I suddenly, and miraculously, have great vision, I’m staring to wonder what’s really going on, and the thought that I maybe, kinda, sorta forgot to put in both contacts comes to mind.  So I did what any normal person shopping in the shoe department at Macy’s would do in a similar circumstance.  I close one eye and look at something in the distance…I close the other eye and look at look at something close up…eyes open, eyes close…look in the distance, look close up…when I hear, “Mom, what are you doing?”  (No wonder my daughter never wants to go anywhere with me!)

I explain to her my eye “situation” and my hypothesis that I think I am wearing only one contact and then I ask her, “Can you tell if I have a contact in each eye?”  She chuckles, rolls her eyes, and gets in my face.  So now, instead of one crazy person in the shoe department of Macy’s, there are two.  She is, literally, looking at my eyeballs, and I am, literally, standing there as wide-eyed and as still as I possibly can.  (No wonder we couldn’t get any service that day!)

“Well,” she says.  “I can see your contact in your left eye, but I can’t see anything in your right.”   So now I’m feeling like the guy who discovered the Post-it note.  I mean, I didn’t mean to wear only one contact, but now that I am I have, like, the best vision ever.  Bye, bye reading glasses!

When I get home, I excitedly tell my husband about my new discovery.

Me:  “Hey, honey, did you know that if you only wear one contact you can see, like, totally normal?”
Him (looking at me all righteous-like behind his reading glasses):  “Of course I knew that.  They say if you wear the contact for your weaker eye then you don’t have to wear anything in your stronger eye.”

Me:  “Nuh uh.  There’s no way you could have known that because I just discovered it!”

Him:  “Jane, um, everyone knows that!”
Me:  “Nuh uh.  I didn’t know about until today…when I discovered it…for the first time ever…today!”

Him:  Exasperated sigh…

Me:  “Well, I think you should try it.  But if you end up liking it I think you should pay me or something since I discovered it.”

Him:  “Whatever…”

So…if you wear contacts and you’ve never tried the one contact thing, accidentally or on purpose, you really should!  I'll even let you pay me later…

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