Thursday, December 30, 2010


The phone rings and, since I am smack dab in the middle of something, I know it must be my mom.  Why she never calls when I am sitting down relaxing is something I have yet to figure out.  Oh, wait, I know, I rarely sit down and relax, so the odds of her calling during one of those rare occasions are pretty much slim to none.  And don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking:  You know, Jane, if she called you when you were relaxing you would be on here complaining:  Sheesh, why does my mom always call the second I finally get a moment to myself to sit and relax?  Whatever…so here’s The Reno Story.

Ring, ring, ring.


Jane.  (There’s that question/statement thing again.)

Hi, mom.

Jane, I’m worried about Robert. 

(Robert is my 25-year-old nephew who has the misfortune of having my sister for a mother.  I know that’s a horrible, horrible, horrible thing to say, but the God’s honest truth is that my sister falls into the “Oh my gosh, that person should never have had children” category.  I think, in her most honest moments, she would agree with me, but since we rarely speak this is mere speculation.  Thankfully, she only had the one child, and thankfully - and miraculously - despite a small bout of trouble in his teen years, he has turned out okay.  And by okay, I mean he is gainfully employed, has no kids of his own - at least none that we know of - and, best of all, he lives in a different state than his mother - smart kid.)

Oh, no, what happened to Robert?

Well, I’m worried about him because he’s living in Reno now.

Umm, okay, then what happened to him in Reno?

Well, he’s in Reno now and murder is legal in Reno.

(Times like this break my heart.  It pains me to think about her just sitting around all day long dreaming up things to worry about.)

Mom, murder is not legal in Reno.

Yes, it is, and I’m worried about Robert. 

Mom, really, I’m pretty sure murder is not legal in Reno.

Well, those people in Reno go around killing themselves all the time and I just know murder is legal there and I’m worried about Robert.

Mom, this is The United States of America, for crying out loud.  Murder is not legal in Reno.  In fact, murder is not legal ANYWHERE!

Are you sure, Jane, because there’s a lot of murder in Reno?

(Where does she hear this stuff?)
Now here’s the part of the conversation I call, “The lie that pleases everyone.”

No mom, really, I just read an article about Reno and it said Reno is a very safe place to live.  It’s great, really it is.

Really, Jane?  Oh wow, that is great to hear.  I was so worried.

Yep, mom, he’s as safe as can be.  Snug as a bug, truly!

Great, Jane, I feel so much better now.  Bye now.  Love you.

Bye, mom.  Love you, too.

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